I like many people lost my Mom

during Lockdown 2020. Actually, it was pre-lockdown. Even though her death certificate said pneumonia, many of us believe that her coughing and breathing issues of 2019 probably was due to that dad-blasted COVID-19 virus. This was truly a time of many dark nights of the soul.

Whatever the cause, I lost my rock, my best verbal sparring partner, MY Calming Coach.

So, who did I turn to to reveal my dark nights of the soul when the person I normally talked with was not around? NO ONE! Many offered. I put my toe in the water and realized most were not ready to hear how and what I had to say. Don’t get me wrong, I received a lot of love, hugs, and words and acts of comfort. And believe me, those things were and are more precious than gold.

And yet there was one thing missing. A place to reveal my dark nights of the soul.

Who knew that journaling would be the saving grace? Wait, not just any ole journaling – journaling by Facebook. Well, I found a group on Facebook.

David Kessler was a friend and associate of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I learned about Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief years ago. Perhaps, you’ve heard of them:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Depression

4. Bargaining

5. Acceptance

I went through those stages, sometimes within a one-hour period. I thought I had lost my mind. Then I found David’s group, “Grief and Loss: Finding Meaning.”

Finding Meaning is the sixth of the nonlinear stages of grief. As I started on my grief journey, I loved hearing stories about how my mother touched people in humorous and cantankerous ways. What I didn’t want to hear was “she lived a long life.” “She’s in a better place.” Or even my own self talk – “she’s been ready to go for a long time.” While all those things are true, I didn’t want to hear it.

I found a group where I could moan and mourn about not having my mommy. And I heard other people’s stories. Although I have to say, there were times where it was a bit much to bear.

Then I discovered David has a membership group called TenderHearts. I learned there are different heart levels on the grief journey:

1. Gentle Hearts

2. Open Hearts

3. Curious Hearts

4. Honoring Hearts

5. Evolving Hearts

Today, after 27 months, I have an honoring heart. At the beginning of this journey I intellectually knew people grieve differently. Now, I feel it in my heart. So I am honoring my journey, as well as that of others. Smilingly, I can now honor my wise, wisecracking, wise-a** mother.

So here’s this module’s journaling question for entering my new level – what have I learned? I’ve learned that I’m a survivor who was loved by her ancestors and continues to be loved by family and friends still here on earth.

And I learned this through people who’ve been in my life and those I’ve never met in person.

Who knew? There are many roads and modalities in the grief journey. I’m glad for my people, the David Kessler mini-lectures, and my own written words over the last 2 years.

For those on this journey, I hope you find the comforting road to finding your meaning as you deal with the loss of your loved ones.

To your calmness.